With all the carols, tinsel and glittery goodness, Christmas looks like a fairytale. But just like all clever horror movies, there’s a crescendo: Christmas dinner.
I know how this goes: a babe returns home for Christmas and the questions (read: interrogation) starts. It can make a babe wonder whether she/he is adopted.
But fear not, I’m bringing you a Christmas miracle. I’ve answered all the questions you’re going to get asked so you don’t have to say what you really think…
Q: So what are you doing with yourself these days?
A: I have a few things on actually: finding a cure for people who don’t like dogs, launching a vegan start-up, lecturing at my local university, breeding unicorns and assisting the UN in my free time. So tell me: how’s the sewerage business?
Tip: Your expression? Deadpan.
Q: Why don’t you have a boyfriend / girlfriend yet?
A: You know I have so many, I just didn’t know who to bring. Mum just simply didn’t have enough fold-out chairs for them all.
Tip: Have a collection of hot babe photos on your phone to flick through if you need support. Chew gum loudly. A pink variety is preferred.
Q: When are you getting married?
A: Oh the kids these days don’t call it marriage, we call it Tinder. I’ve had a few Tinder experiences and I just don’t think it’s for me. When we’ve had enough we just swipe left. Much quicker and cheaper than divorce you know?
Tip: Wear 4 rings on your engagement finger. Can be a chip like a Burger Ring or Cheezel.
Q: Have you thought about studying at all?
A: I’m enrolled in the School of Life. It was founded by Swiss philosopher Alain de Botton. He only accepts people who challenge the status-quo.
Tip: For added drama, put on your black square frame glasses and start chanting.
Q: Are you still studying? Don’t you think it’s about time you get a job?
A: In life, we’re always learning. That never stops. What the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I am going to deliver that. Isn’t that all we can truly hope for?
Tip: Pull out your Achievement Award for Astrophysics and your trophy for the Nobel Peace Prize. Walk away swiftly before they can read the plaques.
Q: How about that local sports team <dull sporting knowledge goes here>?
A: Did that happen on television? I don’t own one of those, sorry.
Tip: Pull out a quill and ink. Start writing.
Q: Do you like your <insert awful gift they have given you>?
A: It’s fabulous. I can’t wait to use it. But next year, I’d love if you gave me something from frank instead. Haven’t heard from him? Oh, he’s one man you need to know.
Tip: Take their phone and sign them up as a frankfurt. I’ll do the rest.
Got a question you wanted answered? Hit me up on social.