200 (thousand) failed selfie attempts.

Written to you from a place within me that is honest, yet humble.

Blunt, yet humorous.

And with love: as always.



200g of tough love.

  • 1 waterproof kraft bag.
  • 76 robusta coffee beans.
  • 30ml cold pressed almond oil.
  • The essence of 2 oranges.
  • A dash of salt (14g).
  • A healthy dose of vitamin e.
  • A sprinkle of sugar (14g).
  • A splash of water.
  • 1 minute getting naked.
  • 3 minutes getting dirty.
  • 5-10 minutes getting rough.
  • 200 (thousand) failed selfie attempts.
  • 100 acceptable selfie attempts.
  • 5-6 minutes trying to strike a sexy but cute pose.
  • 15-30 minutes picking the right filter.
  • 6-8 thoughts regarding the right hash tags.
  • 2 minutes getting clean.
  • 4 minutes trying to wash coffee grinds down the sink.
  • 3 giant spits to get me out of your mouth (it’s alright, I won’t judge you).
  • 2 squeals because I accidentally got in your hair.
  • 1 fleeting moment where you want to eat me.
  • 2 longer moments of you contemplating the effects if you actually did eat me.
  • 1 “what are you doing in there” comment from your curious boyfriend.
  • 1 “who the _____ is frank?” question from your slightly jealous boyfriend.
  • 3-4 minutes wrestling your boyfriend into the shower.
  • 2 minutes getting dirty together.
  • 4 minutes laughing and scrubbing.
  • 2 weeks fighting over me.
  • 30-40 minutes of post scrub self-appreciation for how soft your skin now is.
  • 4-5 sniffs of your now lightly scented skin.
  • 3-5 phone calls to friends to tell them they should experience #thefrankeffect
  • 2 days of asking people to feel your skin.
  • 1-2 minutes of love for frank.

I urge you to take the above with a grain of salt.

Or a speck of coffee #letsbefrank.

xx frank

200 (thousand) failed selfie attempts.