#letsbefrank, it’s happened to the best of us. She’s gorgeous, he’s a babe, and suddenly your brain to mouth pathways close over and you’re producing some kind of weird dribble-noise that could loosely be called language. Let me teach you how to flirt, babe.
In the silence of your room/shower/car/dreams you’re the perfect flirt. You make just the right amount of eye contact, you’re funny but not too sarcastic, and your hair always looks on point.
In reality, you stare at the floor a lot before accidentally fixating your gaze on their private parts, your mind confuses humour with insult and the top of your head is most definitely flat/frizzy/sweaty.
It’s ok. You can be saved. Here’s how to tell if you’re flirting badly. I have no advice on how to fix these things, but maybe if you realise you’re doing them, you’ll stop. And then I would have helped indirectly. #thatsjustthekindofguyiam
1. You awkwardly start talking about bread. For literally no reason. He asked you how the weather was. You thought about toast. Do.not.ask.what.their.favourite.condement.is. Just stop talking.
2. You keep mentioning your babe’n friends. Because your cool, calm and collected about other babes, right? But all the other person is hearing is “I’m not into you but one of my really good looking friends might be.”
3. When they ask what you’re doing on the weekend, you panic. Is this the moment they’re finally going to ask you to have a drink? Instead of batting your eyelids and suggesting that you’re free to catch up, you start singing a weird new version of Missy Elliot: My neck, my back, my netflix and my snacks.
4. You lose the inability to walk normally. Seriously, what’s happening down there. If you had to race new-born Bambi right now, you’d lose.
5. You try to drink things you don’t actually like. Have you seen your face when you sip whiskey? It’s not good.
So, there you go. Some things you might know you do, somethings you probably didn’t. Either way, a sure fire way to get their attention is with some super, soft skin.