I see your future and it’s dirty.

I see your future and it’s dirty.

It’s the time of year when babes look back and wonder where those 365 days went.

Wondering what’s next? I’ve looked into my crystal ball and forecast the following for 2018:


It will rain love this year. Expect a flood of hot babes rushing towards you. Get out your dinghy and start giving CPR. But remember, only one babe is worthy of the life raft.


Transformation is the word. Next year is when you become a mermaid. Your year will be best enjoyed partly naked and dipping in and out of the world’s oceans. In other words, you’ll travel and get an excellent tan.


2018 is when you grab life by the horns. You will charge into a new career, a new family (if you don’t like the current one) and a new haircut. But don’t let all the testosterone get to your head. You were once just a little lamb who just ate grass.


Arriba! Your year is looking as hot & spicy as chorizo with hot sauce. There will be passion, sangria and red lipstick. In other words, you will join a Spanish bull-riding colony in Madrid.


You will create a jumper that can be worn, halfway. One arm in, one arm out. For babes who don’t know if they’re hot or cold. You will be given the Nobel Prize for Innovation.


It’s time to move in a different direction, lady crab. You’ve spent most of your life going sideways, it’s time to move forward. Grab the next opportunity (or the next turtle) to catapult you into the ocean of dreams. Be careful, you don’t want to end up over the stove.


Warm up those vocal chords, Eurovision is calling and you don’t even have to be European. Turn on the fake British accent and whip out the teasing comb. It’s time everyone heard you roar.


I’m sensing your mojito needs a double shot. You’ll stop drinking virgin cocktails and skip your probiotics. 2018 is not the year for gut health. Or health, of that matter.


Feeling unbalanced this year, babe? That’s probably your ex weighing on your mind and a hefty layer of dead skin. Scrub with me to remove the skin and then introduce me to your parents.


Get out your pinchers Scorpio, it’s time to bite back what you see as rightly yours: that promotion, your lover, your dignity from last Saturday night and that double cheeseburger you dropped on the way home. Actually leave that, that’s gross.


Half horse, half babe, carrying a bow and arrow. 2018 is when you win the Guinness Book of World Records for multi-tasking. But be warned, with every arrow you shoot, is one less arrow for you… *thinking music starts.


You’re a sea goat. That’s blown my mind. You live in the ocean and on land. 2018, I just don’t think it can get any better for you really. You’ve nailed it. Well, done.

I am 99% sure this is all uncertain. What is certain is me and my ability to give you skin so soft, you’ll be like “dry skin was so 2017”.

x frank.