February 14: the day when Hallmark grabs you by the lady balls and makes you believe you need to buy expensive flowers, outrageous chocolates and an overpriced card in the shape of a love heart.

Turns out like most things people tell you – it’s wrong.

Here are five things you can do to show how much you love your beau – without breaking your budget.

1.Give them flowers.

From someone else’s garden. That doesn’t cost anything except maybe some dignity – if you get caught. So don’t.

2. Glitter bomb them.

Nothing says “surprise” like glitter in the face. Be careful of the eyes and coordinate it with music for maximum effect. The message? “Life’s a party when I’m with you, babe.”

3. Give them a puppy.

That you can return. Borrow your friend’s dog for a doggie day out. Imagine all the Insta stories around ‘puppy love’. I know you too well…

4. Go skinny dipping.

You get to act out all your mermaid/merman fantasies and they get to see you sans clam bra. (Extra points for owning a clam bra.)

5. Declare your love to the world.

Got a love so strong you want to scream it from the top of a mountain? Step off the mountain, babe. Here’s something with worldwide reach – minus the danger.

Send your heartfelt messages about your Valentine / crush / stranger on the street to getnaked@frankbody.com.

You can say it with words, in a typed message.

Say with with a photo, like a drawing or a handwritten note.

Or say it in a video: just keep it to 8 seconds or less.

Don’t forget to add in your Instagram handle too.

I’ll be featuring my favourites on my Insta story @frank_bod on February 14.

Declaring your love to 690,000 frankfurts this Valentine’s Day? Priceless.

x frank.